Rebirthing Session with Rachana - Facing Fear of Failure
Anna Urbanski, February 2007
At the start of the session I wanted to talk with Rachana about a concern I had about a job that is very important to me, I could see failure ahead of me, and although I know I can do it, I have the sense of doom and failure. As we talked about it I could feel the anxiety in my chest and throat. Rachana asked me to lie down and breathe into the feelings.
With the session as with everything, I have a fear of failure, of doing it wrong, I am reluctant to have breath sessions because of this feeling, and because it is up to me to keep breathing. At first there were surface frustration tears they passed and I kept breathing, wondering if anything would happen, feeling stuck. Keep breathing.
My hands start to cramp and I know this means energy is stuck. I feel cold. I know I have to keep going. I breathe deeper and feel an intense shoot of energy/pain down my body and my legs. Wow, intense, but I can't repeat it so I keep breathing. The shooting sensations return and Rachana says;"good we are going to the next level" the pain feeling intensifies and I start to move my legs and pushing my body.
I have the feeling and thought"I don't want any of it, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be a mother, I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to do anything". I cry and cry and kick and move. I am taken over by the feelings and my body moves itself. After a while I lie still, hot, my hands are relaxed and it is good to know I have moved the energy and the feelings - this is what has been stuck.
Now I don't want to move at all. My body feels completely empty and I have the thought that I want to die, I just want to die. I cry and cry and sob. Rachana is with me gently encouraging me with gentle sounds,"hmm, yes" or a touch to my heart which keeps the tears flowing. I feel that I want to be looked after, I feel I have to look after everybody and if I am not doing that what is there? What do I do? I want to be looked after. I feel the lack of that being looked after in my life. It is amazing the different types of crying there is, this is a moaning kitten sound as I long to be looked after and keep crying. Rachana is gentle and encouraging. I know she can feel me and that she isn't judging me. She asks,"who do you want to look after you?", I say"mum" with fresh tears and after a while I let myself say"dad". Dad who I haven't spoken with for two and a half years? Yes I do want him to look after me. I always did.
I become overwhelmed with the knowledge that I had to look after them, that my purpose in life is to make my parents happy. And I failed. I sob at this failure. I tried, I really wanted to make them happy, I thought I could but I failed. They are not happy, in fact all of my family is unhappy, and it is my purpose in life to make them happy and I have failed. The sobs are continuous. I feel my failure deeply and I feel my purpose deeply and I feel my love and pain for my family more deeply than ever. I have failed. Then I think of my own family, my husband and my three children and again I feel like I am failing.
Tears pour and pour. I feel this is the core of me, this purpose and failure are who I am. How can I succeed? It is not possible. What a burden. My mum must have conceived and carried me with the wish and hope and sense that I would make her and the family happy and I was born expecting to do just that. I know I have done the same with my children, I carried them expecting that they would make me happy. I can feel the burden in me and that I have passed on to them.
With this I can feel a lightening of letting go of that for them and letting them own their own lives. I feel a glimmer of hope. I am calming down, I feel connected to what has been driving me, making me feel I have to succeed that I can do things but that eventually I won't be able to sustain success and I will fail. That people will be disappointed and angry and I will be seen as a fraud and then abandoned. This is playing out everywhere in my life. What will I do now? Oh no what am I going to do? I don't know anything else. Rachana tells me to breathe in the new with the in breath and breathe out the old with the out breath. I don't need to know how, I just need to keep breathing and let the new come. There is light at the end of the tunnel.