My Birth Story, about giving birth to Loki and Gabriel Born 18th October 2001

Written September 2002

 

Around the time of the births of Loki and Gabriel I was huge, I could only walk very slowly, it was a sunny and warm October and I was very uncomfortable. I finished work around week 36 and knew the birth wouldn't be too far off, how could I hold them in for much longer? I felt so stretched and so big. I was feeling like they would never arrive. Around the 38^th week I spent some time with my sister and her baby Sophia and 3-year-old Zoe, I remember running around the fountain at the Italian Forum in Leichhardt Sydney, with Zoe and wondering why everyone was staring at me!

 

A couple of days later I was visiting my mum and I felt a few cramps, I knew it had to be soon. The next night I was eating chocolate ice cream and playing cards on the computer. Ice cream was about all that I ate - cold and wet, I couldn't think about much so the computer was where I zoned out. Roman was at college and I started watching Foreign Correspondent. It wasn't long after September 11^th and I was feeling like I didn't want to watch anything about the war against terrorism. I felt very sensitive and very protective of my babies. Roman came home and he seemed distracted and uncommunicative, when I asked him what was wrong he didn't want to talk about it, this upset me because I knew something was going on, but when he doesn't want to talk, there is no making him.

 

So I was playing with my cat on the floor while Roman was watching the TV when I felt myself leaking a bit. I said to Roman"I'm leaking" and went to the toilet, it was weird, I wasn't sure what was happening, again I told Roman, he was still distracted and he didn't seem to think anything was happening, but said better call the hospital. I was getting excited now because I definitely was leaking!!

 

I called the hospital and explained that I was leaking, and that I had been having a few cramps but no contractions, they told me to come in, that I would probably be sent home, but they had better check me out. More excitement and disbelief that it was actually happening. We grabbed the bags and got in the car. I felt some more 'cramps' and said to Roman 'if these are just cramps I hate to think what contractions are going to feel like".

 

At that stage I got frustrated and upset with Roman being weird. I had always expected Roman to be totally with me during the birth and was surprised to see him being kind of withdrawn. I didn't want to spend my labour dealing with any of his issues, so as we left home I resolved to look after myself. As I write this I can still feel my anger, sadness and disappointment about this, along with pride in my own strength. This was the beginning of things going differently to what I expected.

 

I had done a fair bit of reading, had not attended any birth classes, but had spoken to many women about their labours and felt pretty well informed. I had also done some self-hypnosis training to help manage the pain. I was really looking forward to this amazing experience, I knew it would be powerful and felt confident that I could do it. I wanted to feel it all. I was aiming for a natural birth and also knew that because I was having twins and was not allowed in the birth centre, that I would have to be very clear and strong about my wishes so that I could at least have a chance at delivering naturally. I felt I had come to terms with delivering in the labour ward, and had decided to be ok with that even though I had wanted a much softer environment. I didn't bother with candles and music and those kinds of things that I had planned for the birth centre because I didn't think anything would improve the labour ward rooms.

 

We arrived around 11pm. One thing I knew was that I would be having my babies at night. Things seemed pretty calm at King George and everyone was friendly. I was anxious to get where I was going to birth. The"cramps" were still happening when I was taken to a room by one of the midwives starting his shift. Russell was to be the midwife in attendance that night. He was great, easy to be with, tuned in, clear. I liked and trusted him immediately.

 

Russell asked to check to see if I had actually broken my waters and hooked me up to a machine to measure my contractions - that's what my cramps were - I didn't realise it, I had not noticed any rhythm, or even tried to time them, I had only had a few and they only started getting strong on the way to the hospital. I was having contractions!!! And I was 5cm dilated!!! WOW - how amazing. Russell let me know that I was having my babies that night! It was pretty tough staying lying down on that table while he was measuring the contractions and I really wanted to get wherever I was going. I wanted to see the room and get it organised.

 

I don't remember much more from that point, the next thing I remember was being slumped over a beanbag being completely shocked at the pain. I was still waiting for some rhythm to the contractions but I didn't really feel any break between them at all. I can also remember negotiating about the epidural and the hospitals strong suggestion to get the shunt placed in my spine just in case I needed it with the second baby, Gabriel later which would help reduce the risk of a c-section if Gabriel needed help getting out. At this stage Gabriel was lying across and we didn't know which way he would move after Loki was born. So I did that, the stupid anaesthetist gave me the hospital disclaimer about risks etc which really pissed me off, once the decision was made I wanted to get on with it. They didn't care about that and obviously to avoid the risk of being sued later - continue with their disclaimers no matter what!

 

After that we were pretty much on our own, me in my dark corner with Roman sitting by not really know what to do for me. I remember feeling quite furious, hating it, just hating it, being frustrated that it wasn't how it was supposed to be. I didn't think I would hate it at all, I thought I would love the challenge of it, but I was furious. I had no time for Roman and all I could do was scream. Russell came in now and then, and I felt much better whenever he was in the room, which was never long enough for me. The time went really slowly and I was feeling horrible, I felt like I was failing, I felt like my hatred of what was happening was blocking things. I didn't think I could do it, and I was really surprised at that.

 

At some point in time I said I wanted to talk about epidural, I never thought I would ask for it, but I just wanted to get out of what was happening I hated it so much. Russell checked me and said the baby was ready could I get into a better position? I was so relieved that the baby was ready even though I thought I was obstructing the process with my resistance. I didn't think I would be able to walk but I managed to get onto a birthing stool. Russell got Roman around so he could watch and then push - I don't remember how many pushes, it didn't take long. I remember not being sure how to push, I just pushed. I was so happy that my first baby was being born, that I wasn't failing, that whatever I thought, my body knew what it was doing and Loki was born (2.40am). It feels now like such a brief moment of seeing him. It was amazing to actually see my baby and he looked exactly like Roman's mum! I hardly remember getting any chance to hold or suckle him, they had to cut the cord quickly because it was really short and he couldn't reach up to me, and very soon - it seems like immediately - he was out of my arms and with Roman and I had to look at him longingly and wait until after Gabriel was born to hold him properly. Such a feeling of longing and sadness, along with the reality of not having finished and having to move on to what was going to happen next. I so wanted to leave the cord uncut until it stopped pulsing. And I so wanted to hold my baby. I had to deal with these things not going the way I wanted them to and stay focussed at the same time.

 

So Roman took his shirt off and got to hold Loki against his chest for the first few hours of his life. How lucky. Roman was blissed out. It was beautiful to see them together.

 

We now found out that Gabriel had moved into a breach position. They pumped me with stuff to keep the contractions going, and the registrar came in and did all the fear talking and recommending for us to basically go in and get him. I asked to wait a while and give Gabriel a chance to turn around on his own. The stupid registrar proceeded to stand over the bed with her arms folded looking at me. I asked her to leave, which was one of the best moments of all, I knew I was not going to give birth with her standing over me like that and that I had to say something. She was arrogant and only interested in her position. She asked me why and I said "I don't like you, please leave, we will call you if we need you" and so she did. The midwives loved it; apparently this woman is not well liked.

 

I guess it was an hour or so later a new doctor was called in, and I was convinced to take some action to help Gabriel be born in order to reduce the risk of him going into distress and needing to move into emergency mode. I would have liked to leave him there as long as he needed but the fear factor is very seductive and I did want my baby born. So they gave me an epidural and I moved into pushing.  Even though I had a full epidural, I could still feel most of what was going on, but it was a great break after the intensity of Loki's labour. The doctor catheterised me, I couldn't believe after all this pushing I had a full bladder. Once my bladder was empty they could see that there was no obstruction. The next thing was to break my waters. Again this was something I did not want to do. It was amazing though; the doctor with his crochet hook, puncturing the sack and jumping back while this tidal wave of water gushed out of me and splashed on the floor, so phenomenal. Then he called Roman over to show him Gabriel's foot, which was now poking out. There was some relief now that they wouldn't have to go in and get him. I kept pushing and Roman describes how one midwife was guiding the legs out, the doctor looped his fingers in and caught Gabe's arms. A second midwife was then holding the arms while the doctor used forceps to guide little Gabriel's head out (5.04 am). I remember during the last pushes I just let myself completely scream out of control. There was so much fear in the room I felt like I was pushing for his life rather than pushing for him to be born.

 

They quickly cut the cord (ouch again) and took him for a very quick check before finally handing me my baby. Oohhh finally, oh thank god, oh miracle and miracle, bliss and rightness. We were awed to our core. Two babies. Two babies. I felt like God, I felt like heaven opened up from inside of me, and these beings moved through my body and here they were. To finally suckle my baby. Such relief. We had another terrifying moment when Gabriel stopped breathing and turned purple, but Russell just blew on his face and he was fine. I was in a lot of pain and hated that the contractions continued when the babies were born, and I couldn't wait to have a shower, and all of those details, but I felt like a goddess and I felt so grateful. I felt so proud but not really responsible, I was so proud of my babies and so happy to finally hold them.